Direct Response Copywriter

**I do not want to see your portfolio.** I want to know which control you have copied out by hand, in your own handwriting, and what hit you on the third page. If that question makes sense to you, keep reading. If it sounds insane, this is not your job and I will save you four minutes. **WHAT WE SELL** A garnet bracelet, to women over sixty who have quietly stopped believing a man will ever cross a room for them again. Direct to consumer, Meta ads, quiz funnel, six figures a month in spend and growing. **WHAT OUR BEST ADS LOOK LIKE** Our master ad is nine and a half thousand words. First person. A retired detective telling you about the night he left his dinner on the table and walked past a forty\-year\-old in a red dress to reach a woman of seventy\-one in a plain sweater. It reads at a third\-grade level. Reading ease 89\. Ten words a sentence. Every paragraph has a named lever. Every emotional beat traces to a row in a customer survey. We have 400 post\-purchase responses with twelve free\-text fields each, we have read all of them twice, and the copy is built out of their sentences instead of ours. That one master text now feeds four formats: the long\-form ad, a UGC video, a film, and an eleven\-minute talk from a stage that is currently the best ad in the account. Zero of 400 buyers have ever said the copy was too long. That is the floor, not the ceiling. If your instinct right now is "nobody reads 9,000 words," we are going to make each other miserable. If your instinct is "who wrote it and can I see the control," we should talk. **WHAT YOU WOULD ACTUALLY DO** \- Read raw voice\-of\-customer until you can hear her. Survey exports, ad comments, Reddit threads, refund reasons. Not skim. Read. \- Build long\-form ads, VSL scripts, stage\-talk scripts and quiz funnels for a woman who is sixty to seventy\-nine, on her phone, at eleven at night. \- Work to sealed laws. We have a written constitution: show don't tell, two\-clause dignity, mirrored objects, no decoding, no winking. New laws get sealed when a test earns them. You will be expected to argue with them, and to lose gracefully when the data disagrees. \- Ship a change ledger with every draft: was, now, why, and the row count behind the why. If you cannot name the lever in four words, the paragraph dies. \- Sit in the numbers. You will see cost per purchase on your own copy within days of shipping it, and you will be asked what you think it means. WHO THIS IS NOT FOR \- You write "elevate," "unlock," "game\-changer," "transformative," or "journey," and you do not flinch when you read that sentence back. \- You need a brief that tells you what to say. \- You have never written something that lost money, or you cannot tell me why it lost. \- You think long copy is a length problem rather than a boredom problem. \- You would be offended by a founder who marks up your draft line by line, late at night. That is the actual job. I do that. Often. \- Your first instinct o